I am fully aware that the growing vast majority of young and getting-old-but-clinging-to-youth-as-much-as-cougarly-possible people have chosen to participate in dance club and dance club activities over other alternatives. I am also aware that society dictates that this is not only a social norm and requirement, but also that it is "cool". "Cool" of course may be defined as something that looks really good and therefore must be good. I am also fully aware that those who fail to amalgamate to this system are henceforth regarded as "not cool" or "losers", a nomenclature generally adopted by the club going public. Finally, I am also aware that I will be required to go to clubs many times over the remainder of my life despite my natural dislike towards them.
The truth is, I don't understand anything about clubs. I don't understand the scene, I don't understand the music, I don't understand the people, and I don't understand the point. Why someone would pay a considerable amount of money JUST TO GET INTO A PLACE is already beyond me. I have walls and a floor at my local bar and they don't charge me anything! Even my house has walls and a floor, only my floor is cleaner and my walls aren't pink. Cover is awful and a sign that people are stupid. Secondly, why are people so concerned over the "crowd"? It's not like there is any interaction between strangers in a club... in fact quite the opposite.
As a social hotspot, I think it is quite ironic that clubs are the most anti-social places on the planet. I think the majority of club-going males can be confined to the following four common groups:
1) Les Miserables: Why is it that a lot of single guys in a club look like they want to kick the crap out of me? I haven't done anything! It's a place of fun isn't it? Why do they look so angry? Why did they pay cover and buy over-priced drinks to stay angry? Are they angry about the cost of cover and drinks? And, if so, then why do they come back? I'm angry for being there, but that's because I think clubs are dumb. Les Miserables like clubs, they just look angry. It's only a matter of time until I smudge someone's shoe and I get an elbow in the neck.
2) The Philosophers: Who are these depressed people who stand around depressed? Why do they look like they are performing complex mathematical equations in their heads at all times? Why do they look as though they are waiting for someone, especially since in reality there is noone expected to arrive? These people are even more sad then Les Miserables. They seem to want to be doing something, only "thinking" is preventing them from leaving their corners of wonderment.
3) The Needy: Oh, woe are these poor boyfriends who were tricked into clubbing by their girlfriends! There is no reason for them to be there. There is clearly nothing appealing present for them, and so the only salvation they may earn is by clinging to their girls for dear life. Never deviate. Never separate. When the girl goes to the bathroom they are cast into a blackhole, a schism of solitude that may only be remedied by instantaneous and unexplainable spontaneous death. They cannot venture. They dare not venture. Focus on their girl. Only on the girl. Never... leave... the... girl...
4) The Weasels: Hark, these predators of the club scene! Slinking in between the sweaty bodies of semi-clad club goers praying on the innocent! They are the biggest liars of all! They go to clubs, pretend they like it, and they are SOOOOO convincing that everyone else is lured into an acceptance of their lie. These nefarious scoundrels are on a never ending mission to find all the things that I hate in the women of the club scene. And, the sad part is, most times they find it.
Yes, that's right, the women are not much better. There are also four types of women who regularly attend clubs:
1) The Pointless: These are the women who need a man, who are convinced that since clubs are social hotspots then it must logically be the best place to meet a man, who would never ever ever under any circumstance talk to a man at a club, who attend regular clubs with fairly regular frequency to obtain absolutely no real practical goal whatsoever. They dance, they nurse drinks, and they tell themselves that it is fun because they believe that it should be fun. But, in the end, they're miserable that they aren't there with a guy.
2) The Jiggy: Some girls are actually interested in dancing, believe it or not! Unfortunately, they're not that interested in things like cover, over-priced drinks, and leering sketchy creeps. However, in the face of a socialite monopoly, these people go to clubs to try to get the need to dance out of their systems. And while they often do reach this and other objectives, and while they come out feeling as though they had fun, it should be noted that it is most commonly achieved with less than moderate efficiency.
3) The Draggers: These women are dangerous! They are the black holes, the voids in which unwary men get sucked in to. They lure men into clubs under any pretext available, and they try their best to pass their club-loving values on to any persons available. But the values don't take! But you don't have a choice! Take it or be damned, is the choice! So we take it! We paid the cover, we need a drink, and we have a girl present, so how could we not have fun? It must be fun! Yaaaay! We're having fun! Or are we...? I say nay.
4) The Whooooooores: Yaaaaaagh! The worst of the worst! These women reak of booze and able "naval officers" (think men at sea), and they vulture on the unsuspecting! Be warned, me hearties, of these yaar wenches! This be one pirate's booty that ye don't want to be seekin'!!!!
Besides the facts that clubs are hot, sticky, stuff, anti-social, over priced, and generally play garbage music, I think it's time that I stand up for myself and put my foot down. And sure, I may not be invited to as many functions and sure, many people will get REALLY REALLY pissed at me, but hey! At least I'll be keepin' it real.
Exerpt from a regular club conversation:
Girl: "Yeah, me too!"